There are a lot of things I like about horses but the two things I like the most are their attitude toward life and the ways in which they communicate.

There’s a famous study by Dr. Albert Mehrabian that says communication between humans is 7% verbal and 93% nonverbal. It breaks down to 38% through tone of voice, and 55% through facial expression and body language. The remaining 7% is what we actually say.

Does this sound familiar? You’re at work and another employee walks in. Before they see you, you notice the tension in their face and the stiffness in their body. If you’re sensitive to such things you might feel the anxious, irritable or angry energy that the person projects. If you work closely with that person you might begin to feel like you’ve done something wrong or there’s just something about you that’s irritating. If you’re brave you might ask if everything is ok and when you get a tight smile and a curt, yes fine why do you ask, you back off and begin to imagine all the things you may have done to make this person so angry. At the end of the day you feel drained and anxious and you beat yourself up for all your imagined transgressions.

As a therapist I know that people keep a lot of their thoughts and feelings to themselves. They smile when they’re sad or laugh and joke when they’re angry. The psychological term for that is incongruence or a lack of authenticity. Therapists have to train themselves to be aware of and address the non-verbal cues in order to help their clients. In other words to the best of their ability they have to challenge people to speak the truth even though it leaves the client feeling exposed and vulnerable. It’s an effective way to help them resolve the internal emotional conflicts that keep them stuck in negative thought patterns that lead to depression and anxiety.

Why are we afraid of our emotions? Why do we care so much about what others might think of us that we smile when we’re angry or irritated, pretend to be calm when we’re anxious or put on a brave front if we’re sad or depressed. We keep a list of acceptable emotions and put up with all kinds of undesirable behaviors and situations in order to stay safe and not rock the boat.

At our core we long for acceptance in order to feel safe, connected and ultimately to get our emotional needs met. Ironically, by hiding what we feel and ignoring the non-verbal cues of others the exact opposite happens. We become isolated and disconnected. We misinterpret non-verbal cues and begin to imagine all kinds of negative things about ourselves and other people. We don’t know the truth but we’re afraid to find out so we stay safe and imagine the worse.

Horses, on the other hand, have evolved in a way that makes them very skilled at clear and direct communication. As a species, they have one of the most sophisticated communication systems on the planet. They communicate non-verbally and very directly through body language and emotion. It’s important for their survival to show feelings that humans may choose to hide. To them it makes sense to let the rest of the herd know when they are anxious, afraid, irritated etc. It’s an effective way to communicate needs and an early warning system when a predator is on the attack. It makes them very sensitive, perceptive and tuned in to the intentions and feelings of others.

Horses are often described as mirrors because their actions reflect how a person is really feeling. If you spend enough time around horses and pay attention you’ll begin to notice how your state of mind directly affects their attitude toward you. If you’re stressed out and anxious you’re communicating to them that something’s wrong even if you have a big smile on your face. They are flight animals. If you’re communicating danger they’re going to want to run away. You can’t connect with an animal who’s trying to get away from you.

Instead, you must challenge yourself to be in the moment. To forget about the financial problems or the big fight you just had with your boss, the terrible traffic or the irritating neighbor. It helps to focus on breathing, to notice the natural environment and to attend to the needs of your horse. The state of mind you need to be in is relaxed, calm and confident. If you can achieve that you can connect with your horse and that is very rewarding on many levels.

Horses teach you to shift your state of mind and that gives you a break from the emotional minefield that is so pervasive in human communication. You also learn to override the habit of being in an anxious and fearful state of mind by regulating your internal emotional system. This makes you a calm, confident and assertive leader. It’s not just horses that appreciate that, humans do as well. This is a big reason why it is so therapeutic to spend time around horses.

No matter what stresses, irritations or disappointments I’ve had to face, when I drive up to the barn my focus begins to shift, my thoughts begin to change and I feel like I can breath again. It’s a habit I’ve gotten into and the reward is the soft nicker I hear when I approach my horse because we both know that at the moment, anyway, everything is all right with the world.

I’ve always been an animal lover, so when I came across an article about Equine Assisted Psychotherapy in one of my professional journals a few years back I was more then a little excited. As I was reading the article I flashed back to a childhood memory. Some friends owned a farm in Southern Ontario just outside of the city we lived in and my sisters and I got to spend part of the summer holidays there. We were definitely free-range kids roaming around the woods, building forts and hanging out in the barn, climbing up to the rafters and jumping off into the piles of hay below. And then there was the horse. The adults just said go ahead and ride but watch out for gopher holes. I don’t remember if there was tack or if we road bareback but I do remember riding that horse. Riding that horse with no fear and feeling totally free. The sensation of movement on the back of such a powerful animal and the desire to just go faster and faster.

It was an evocative memory and it kick started my journey into the horse world and my determination to develop the Wise Mare program. Five or six years ago, aside from my childhood experience, I had zero experience with horses but intuitively I knew that working with them could be a powerful therapeutic tool. But before I could introduce horses into my Vancouver counselling practice I actually had to learn about them and develop some equine skills.

We’re all used to the romantic pictures and videos of horse and rider moving together in harmony manes flowing as they canter gracefully through the countryside or on the beach at sunset but let me tell you for someone stepping foot in the barn for the first time the reality is much different. Handling those huge animals on the ground when you’re inexperienced is not easy and they can smell a beginner a mile away. So can the veterans at the barn, keeping their distance and shooting knowing looks your way. Welcome to the world of feeling completely awkward and incompetent. Particularly, when the old school horse selected especially for you decides she would rather not move today when you try to take her out of her stall. Lesson number one, how to convince a 1000 lb horse to actually move, sigh.

Even so, I was one of those people who got hooked on horses. I love a challenge so I hung in there through all the ups and downs. The days when the barn staff were doubled over in laughter to see a halter installed upside down on one of the horses or the times I had to pick myself up and dust myself off after being dumped unceremoniously on the ground by the nice gentle school horse who had simply had enough of her unbalanced and inexperienced rider. Ultimately, in spite of dire warnings from family and friends about my eventual financial ruin, I let my heart over rule my head and I bought Rosie, a 15-year-old American Quarter Horse. Bomb proof, I was told. Maybe so, but she was definitely not a push over and that would be an understatement.

I learned pretty quickly that if I wanted to gain my mare’s cooperation I needed to become someone she could respect and trust. This is no small feat when you’re dealing with a chestnut mare! It requires that you become a confident, calm and assertive leader. Keep in mind that you’re dealing with a 1000 lb animal with a mind of her own and very clear ideas about what she thinks is best. Convincing a strong willed mare to do anything she doesn’t want to do requires a crash course in strength and confidence. Learning to overcome anxiety and fear just goes without saying and becoming focused, aware and perceptive keeps you and everyone around you out of harms way.

Ask anyone who knows horses and they’ll talk about how intriguing and intelligent they are. In my own quest to learn about horse communication and behavior I find myself increasingly drawn to their beauty, strength and uncanny ability to teach me things about myself that I’m not aware of. Learning about them and working with them continues to challenge me on many levels and my own personal journey through the equine world has given me the insight and ability to incorporate my knowledge and experience into my Vancouver counselling practice. Welcome to Wise Mare. I invite you to take the amazing journey into the world of Equine Assisted Counselling and Learning. It might not be easy but as they say, nothing worth having is.